May 27, 2009

[Midnight freak-out after the longest day of my life!]

Awake again in the heat of the night. Plagued this time by fear and panic. Hot, stifling fear, trapped fear fielding panic. Why do I fear Shafi and his trip? He has been so kind and showed us another side of India we may not have ever seen. Two random encounters and a wrong turn led us to his doorstep. He has taken care of us with kind words, love and friendship. Perhaps I fear the combination of business and friendship. Is it the large financial cost of the trip? Maybe so. If it were just $500 I would be okay with it. But $900 is very frightening, choking. It may prevent us from experiencing the beautiful Tibet while we are stuck in the stifling India. Panic, fear. It is just money then. Without money we are nothing in this part of the world. Everyone sees us as money. As fat piggy banks from which to get change. “You buy scarf. Which one you buy? Just one?” “You have tip?” “That’s all?” “ You have more?” Stifling, hot, dirty. Rotten, Hot.

Similar fear with Shafi as with Dr. Benedek [the professor whose trip I turned down at the last minute to take my own adventure]. Similar men with similar disposition/angle. Very kind, welcoming, generous, but demand a large sum of money for the exchange. This leads to mistrust, fear that I will be financially locked to them. Lost/give up power to them.

This trip was intended to be a struggle, a search, a time to fall and pick myself up, to descend into the dark. But if I have everything prearranged already, what will I learn? Without the darkness how can there be light? Trips do not allow for the dark soul searching. You are tied to itinerary and people. Fear, panic. How can fate work its magic if you are stuck to an itinerary?

Like the Sahaj Marg class [a meditation program I started and quit the summer before]. How can fate work its magic, how can a soul explore life when tied to a routine? When you abdicate your power to a master? A surrender/release of power.

How I shudder and run from the “have to’s”! How I hide from the solidity of a “plan”. Fear of setting anything in stone. Fear of missing out. Because I am afraid of missing out on something, I leave myself open to everything and choose/lock myself to nothing. This leaves you empty handed, Leaves you with nothing.

Why do I choose nothing and everything over and over again! Fear of being let down, of being wrong, of failing. Of falling short of expectation.

Perhaps expectation is the root of the problem. Perhaps I must stop imposing my will on life. Perhaps I will go with what feels good. Perhaps I will go with the flow and stop saying no to life. I will stop fighting the current and damming the river.

If I don't fight, I will not drown. I will simply lift up my feet, say my prayers, and allow the cool, powerful river to deliver me where it may.

I miss Casey. I love him sooooo much.